Scribbles on paper

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I am in about four different levels of shock right now.

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I just got home.

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It’s 8.36PM.

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And about ten minutes ago.

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We ran over a cat.

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A white cat.

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It’s raining.

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You can still see the occasional flashes of light through the curtains and hear the rumble of thunder.

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It’s still raining.

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We were driving along the highway. We’d just passed the blur of the golf course and were making our way onto the fly-over.

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The overhead streetlamps emitted a dull, orangey glow and didn’t give out much light at all. It was dark.

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The car was driving; not too quickly.. Maybe 80, which isn’t so bad on a highway.

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I saw this white lump appear on the road in front of us; very briefly, like a passing spot of light that you’re not sure you even saw. The wheel quickly ate across it.

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You could’ve sworn you didn’t see anything. It was that quick.

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But I did see something.

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The car jolted. There was something there. No tricks being played on the mind. There was a sort of obstruction beneath the front right tyre. It was there.

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I thought it was a bag of trash.

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Maybe a mysterious something.

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After a maneuver and a curse or three, my mom said it was a cat.

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A white cat.

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The cat moved too quickly; I didn’t even see movement. No animal streaking across the tarmac in the rain. Just a white lump that quickly disappeared beneath the car.

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She saw it run.

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There was nothing anyone could do.

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It was too quick.

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The moment was too.. perfect. As morbid as that sounds.

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Split second timing.

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I’m still in shock.

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Quite traumatised, to be honest with you.

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No, I didn’t hear bones crushing.

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I didn’t hear very much at all.

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But the car jolted. And you heard something being hit. Not a crunch, but almost a loud clatter. You felt the car rising on one side, the tire rolling over, compensating, making way for the strange something on the road.

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Maybe I’m overreacting.

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Maybe.

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But I don’t think so.

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We killed a cat.

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Not on purpose, mind you. And it was inevitable.

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There was nothing we could do about it.

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I just hope it didn’t suffer too much pain. That it died instantly.

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It’s not funny you know.

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I hate it when people argue that oh, there’re so many cats around anyway.

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There are 6.7 billion people on earth.

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If someone runs over another person.. It’s horrible, it’s heinous, it’s plastered on newspapers and magazines and tabloids. But you run over a cat or a dog.. It’s noothing haha so funny. Serves the cat right for being stupid enough to run across the road heehee oopsy.

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[I'm not talking about my mom, in case you were wondering. She was as sorry as I was for the accident. (Although she did use the "siapa suruh.. tiwas" line.)]

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It’s just.. I don’t think I’m overreacting.

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We killed a cat.

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I can’t get over it.

Since I’ve just mentally added yet another thing to do in my lifetime, I’m actually going to make a weak attempt at a proper list.

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Hence, things to do in my lifetime:

1. learn to rollerblade
2. sit on the beach for a sunrise
3. go to Disneyworld
4. climb to the top of the Tower
5. throw a bottled message into the ocean
6. post a secret
7. dye my hair bright, acid blue. or purple. or something similarly unconventional.
8. leave a lock on the wall.

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I know a couple of them are quite.. Vague. But that’s the fun part =P The one in bold is the one I just added to the list about ten minutes ago. Siigh I’m a sucker for things like that =D

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I’m stressing tonight. I’d like to take this rare blogging opportunity to thank and apologise to Aziz (esseh Azizzz) for putting up with my temporary mental retardation and instability.

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May blog again later. I’ve got lots to do online.. E-mails and general things to reply to. Unis to do research on. An essay to type.

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No rest for the wicked.

(Oh wow, the bottom half of this post got chopped off. I am going to somehow attempt to remember what the last bits were.. Even if that does take away some of the original um.. Angst. Hahahaha.)

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There goes my fare thee well.

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Ups and downs are part of life. It’s a given, it’s a cliche; it’s been immortalised in countless chick lit novels and Chicken Soup for the Souls. Life’s the apparent rollercoaster; where the blissful happiness is in having the wind in your hair, a song in your heart and people by your side.

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there’s really no way to reach me.

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And then there’s the other end of the spectrum. Where the people you lean on suddenly evaporate and you find yourself stumbling to the ground and facing the world alone again. Or when the people seem to be there smiling down at you, but you realise that they’re just an illusion; holographic images of helping hands and comforting words that exist more for their pacifying effect than as stepping stones across the figurative rapids.

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there’s really no way to reach me.

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Because at the end of the day.

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Aren’t we in this alone anyway?

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No matter how hard you try to convince yourself that there’re people there to hold you up and push you forward and help you through it all.

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No matter how hard you try to convince others that you’re there to hold them up and push them forward and help them through it all.

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At the end of the day.

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We’re in this battle alone.

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’cause I’m already gone.

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The comforting words and the shoulders to cry on — as much as you’d like to believe otherwise; they don’t last.

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It’s how things are built out to be. There are no constant pillars of reality; no stones in a middle of a drifting dream.

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Because

at the end of

the day.

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We’ve got our own battles to fight.

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Our own wars to win.

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Our own homes to return to.

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Our own tears to cry.

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’cause I’m already gone.

AHHH FUCK I’M SO HAPPY! =DDDDD!!!!

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I am just so in love with The Fray. I mean, I’ve been listening to them for months, but it’s always been through my laptop and all. And just now I bought a pirated two-dollar How To Save A Life CD, since Nis wanted to go get some DVDs and let me tell you..

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God. Music sounds so much better coming from my hi-fi stereo system surround sound whatchamacallit.

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AND YOU CAN TURN THE VOLUME UP SO MUCH MORE HEEEE!!!!

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AHHH GOD I LOVE LOVE LOVE HEART HEART HEART!

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I mean I have always loved the sounds of the piano, since I can remember.. And the piano rock is just so orgasmic I mean SHEESH Cable Car has become one of my favouritest songs; I’ve never gotten sick of that, or Look After You. And Unsaid, but that’s not on this album.

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And I’ve just discovered Vienna, which by the way is such a fucking beautiful song and really, I didn’t want to blog about this because I can be quite selfish with my music (by quite I mean very)..

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God it’s on loop right now, and the piano at the beginning’s so beautiful I almost want to cry hahahaha it’s not me being emo bah eh, it’s just. I love.

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So I was saying, I’m generally a selfish person with music and books and all those little amazing discoveries that you just want to keep to yourself and indulge in and enjoy and bask in forever and ever with the gleeful thought that hey, you’re only one of a few who know about this new sort of happiness.

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But y’know, the Fray isn’t much of a secret anymore, is it? Just like Evanescence got blown out of proportion and entered mainstream music (Evanescence.. Their old album, Fallen? It’s a beautiful album. Really, some of the lyrics are just amazing and a few years ago it was the only thing I played for weeks on end. I did enter this slightly freaky vamp-goth phase, but that was a very brief one and I didn’t walk around in two-inch thick eyeliner and black nails, thanks =P)

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Is there really no way to reach me?

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I think, okay, the Fray isn’t mainstream exactly, and I really hope it never becomes mainstream because that’s when all the commercialism, sensationalism and over-hype and teenybopper One-Tree-Hill fans start ruining everything. It just gets so.. Commercialised bah. And that’s kinda what happened to Evanescence, in my opinion. People listened to their music for the "cool" factor, and y’know the sell-out of My Immortal really did break my heart back then, because that was one of the first songs that I really cried listening to. And I KNOW you guys will be all "apa eh, emo jua inda jua brapa" about it.. And that’s my POINT.

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Before it rose to the top of the charts and all.. It was just a godfcking sad, beautiful song that no one really knew about. Something that wasn’t screamed off the top of the roofs, something that you had to dig for to be able to get the chance to listen to..

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When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears

When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears

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I love being addicted to music. Okay granted, this particular song I’m listening to now is making me more sad than happy.. But it’s just. Hmm it’s a good kinda sad, I suppose.

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I really don’t get a lot of the music around nowadays lah.

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I mean, I listen to a lot of music. A lot. I can tolerate and I even like y’know, some R’n'B, some soul.. Even the jazzier sounds, or some heavier rock and metal. Pop too. I mean.. Banyak bah, I listen to a lot.

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But y’know, I don’t get how you can fill your days with just.. R’n'B.

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I find R’n'B so empty, y’know. So soulless? It just. It’s full of black chicks with shiny legs, bling, bling and more bling. Expensive cars and diamond jewellery, and lying in purple satin sheets.

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Even the more "deep" R’n'B songs have like.. Y’know, dudes in flashy suits looking sorry for themselves driving in flashy cars, and looking sad and caressing pictures in diamond-studded picture frames or something =P

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I just.. I dunno. It’s so rich and pretentious and.. So superficial.

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Maybe I’m being overly analytical about things, but I like stuff that really hits a chord in you, y’know? Stuff you can relate to. And I realise I listen to a lot of soft rock, and slightly harder rock, and a bit of.. Well I don’t know much about genres actually. AlternRock?

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It’s just more earthy. It’s not happy-bubbly-pink boppy. It’s not dark-dungeon-slit-wrists emo, it’s not crazy-hair-scream-devil-darkness heavy metal, it’s not bling-uh-yeah-ma-baby-boo pretentious..

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It’s earthy. It’s.. Real?

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Eh I dunno lah, but I feel that it’s got a hell of a lot more substance than "Smack that all on the flooor, smack that gimme some mooore."

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And I mean, what the heck is up with that "murderer" shit Rihanna went on about?? =P I dunno, I thought that was just some kinda stupid analogy, okay. She built up a lot of jeejazz and concluded with "I don’t wanna be.. a murderer".

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WOW.

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Haaahahahaha ignore me, I tend to be musically arrogant.

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But like I mentioned, I do listen to that stuff. Just not too much, y’know. I think I’d kill myself if that was the only thing on my playlist. How do you listen to all that and not walk out the next day with shiny, newly-waxed legs, a slutty top and bling hanging off all your limbs?

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Oh wait.

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Okay, that explains a lot.

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=P

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(P/S: Rather obscure insult, for all you slower people out there. If you understood it, hats off to you! You’re officially not brain dead.)

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(P/P/S: I know I’m jahat. Biar tia bah. And besides, siapa saja terasa, ko prasan. HAHA. That’s an easy way to clean up the potential mess, eh?)

AHH.. I’m trying really, really hard not to make every single post on this blog

a) capslocked

b) PMSey

c) bitch-fittey

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But I am so. so.

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So.

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Annoyed. Right now. (Oh, so what else is new, Yazmyn? =PP)

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I mean, not in a NIDFG;JK.K.L.’KYH!!! kind of way. I’m still quite rational, but this is like.. Almost TOXIC annoyance because.

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Ah god, I can’t even get into details about it.

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But do you ever wonder WHY life plays funny tricks? WHY life’s full of surprises? WHY you just don’t always get what you want?

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This is just.. Oh, I don’t know. A lot of this annoyance and frustration is rather self-imposed. I do have a habit of manufacturing my own irritations. But no WAIT.

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WELLLL. It’s not so much ME this time. I suppose the fact that I can do absolutely nothing about this is driving me up the walls. I mean, GOD. It’s getting on my nerves so much I mean.. GAHHH.

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God. So ANNOYING.

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Haahahahaha aku psycho sudah kali. Indabah. I mean cam. CUBATAH AH. Once in a fugging goddamn while, let things go the way they’re supposed to. Ani inda wah. Macam.. Macam. MACAM. TAIE. (Apakan, er =P) I MEAN.

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Okay it is very difficult to talk about this without getting to any actual details =P

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But um, TO SUM UP. (Ahh god, I love that Ross quote. One of the most underrated Friends moments =P Cali bah.)

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I’m rather peeved off. Not exactly MDF’HL;;HL,M[ so. But peeved enough to blog about.. Whatever it is I just blogged about.

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There is an absolute ZERO chance that the person this blog SHOULD AND WOULD BE DIRECTED TO is reading this. Which.. Is also, in itself annoying. Well no it’s not, because I’d hate for the person to know that it’s bothering me. WELL. No. WELL. Eh entah eh. But if you think I’m annoyed with you, there’s a 99% chance it’s not you, because like I said. That person doesn’t read my blog =P (So don’t worry Zi, it’s not you. HAAHA.)

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CHEERS. AND PAIN AND SUFFERING TO ALL WHO DESERVE IT.

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(P/S: Since this is already a GAH blog, to save from future capslocking: I’d like to direct this to a completely different person: SKANK. SKANKSKANKSKANK. Yooou.. look like a skank? Yoooou.. smell like a skank? Yoooou.. taste (?!) like a skank? I GUESS YOU’RE A SKANK. HAAHAHA. Awu, aku beri lem. But yeah. Saja bah ehhh SAJA.)

On second thought, I’d probably have cardiac arrest and that’s no better, is it?

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Ohh screw meeeeeeeee.

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Not like that, you pervert. Mind out of the gutter, please.

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I’ve been delaying it and delaying it and procrastinating ALL day and it is now 11.30PM and I still haven’t studied for my algebra test tomorrow.

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Don’t "HO-HOO EASYPEASY" me, nitwit. This isn’t "2X + 3 = 17; evaluate X" kind of algebra.

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This is.. Rational function algebra, where you "break one rational function satisfying certain conditions into simple rational functions". With inequalities, modulus and factor remainder theorems. And polynomials with repeated roots. And comparing coefficients and the termination of the binomial expansion when the power n is not a positive integer.

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This is A’level Algebra.

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Ahh but all the drama aside, I don’t know how I’m going to do this. I’m attempting a couple of question now, but..

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Oh who am I kidding. I am so NOT attempting any questions right now.

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I know it’s not funnyyy. God, Ck. Farid’s threatened to call my parents up and Ck. Juraidah took me aside for "a talk" because I failed my effing photosynthesis test spectacularly. Well alright, not spectacularly. Just by a little bit, surprisingly. She almost whacked me upside the head when I grinned to find out I only failed by a few points. I don’t GET photosynthesis, kayy. Well alright, I didn’t study a pinch for that test, but still. I wasn’t really around for the beginning, so I jumped in somewhere around the light independant reaction and looked like this: 0_o all the way through the Calvin cycle.

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I’m also in trouble with.. Oh, I’m in trouble with a LOT of people. I hate this. GOD. I’m such a terrible person.

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Okay y’know what, as stupid as this sounds.. I might just stay up until the sun comes up. Attempting to do my maths, and a few other loose ends that need tying up.

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(Oh god, would you believe: I’m doing uni course research now. YAZMYN WILL YOU JUST CONCENTRATE ON GETTING THROUGH YOUR A’LEVELS *FIRST*)

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Someone slap me. Please.

BGICV was the best.

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The best.

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I mean honestly, I was disappointed on the first day of lobbying because of.. I guess, certain issues that popped up. But after that, my committee really did prove itself to be the fcking BEST ever man =D

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It’s pretty sad how this was my last year.. I’d been in it for three years in a row, and it just kept getting better.

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But it was good lah, in the sense I did my best to go out with a bang.. I hogged the podium when I could (teehee) and got to know quite a fair amount of people. I guess I just made sure I was as active as I could be this year.. The main regret of the first year was that I was an absolute NOTHING that sat around like a useless LOG collecting DUST over three days. And the second year was.. Good. I didn’t speak all that much, but I spoke a good amount and fought for my resolution to the end =P And then this year.. HEEEHEE I love!

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It was such fun lahhh, I wouldn’t have traded it for anything.

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And I completely missed my cousin’s wedding, because it went on for the same weekend. But like.. No regrets, no regrets at all. I would give quite a lot for another shot at BGIC mann =D

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Ahh, but really. It’s not something that should be missed out on. I’m somehow not suffering from withdrawal symptoms yet.. I usually do. I did last year, I might’ve done the year before (Though I don’t see why, because I was a useless that year.) but.. I guess I’m okay right now.

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I’m not being labih-labih though y’know. The thing is, when you get back to school after all the intense debate and formal talk and formal dress of BGIC.. When you go back to the uniform and the classrooms and the teachers after.. Speeches and talks by world-famous environmentalists, representing a country, fiery arguments over clause two sub-clause b sub-sub-clause three..

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You realise that your life’s pretty dull compared to BGIC.

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Ntah lah ah.. But like I said, BGIC’s not something to be missed out on. And I pity anyone who didn’t get a chance to go for it. The experience is.. Amazing =)

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To all the BGIC-ers, thanks for making this year a great year.. Even if I don’t get to see you guys next year, somehow or another, keep in touch. And if you see the delegate of Ukraine, Political (Forum 2) [That's ME by the way] walking around gadong or just randomly at some random place.. Do say hello =D

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(And I might make a more detailed, informative post on BGIC some other time.. For now it’s just, this random thing that doesn’t give you much info on what I did. Except that I really enjoyed it hahaha.)

Ah god. AH GOD.

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FAAAAAAAAAAARRRKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.

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I am just.. GAAAAAHHH I AM IN ONE OF THE FOULEST MOODS EVER TO BE RECORDED IN THE HISTORY OF WOMANKIND.

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GODDDDDDDD.

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HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN SCORNED, GOD DAMMIT. GOD DAMMIT. GOD FARKING DAMMIT.

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DID YOU NOT READ ANY FARKING SHAKESPEARE, YOU.. YOU.. GAAAHHHH.

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I don’t know who, shut up. Okay, maybe I do. Maybe I don’t.

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But just generally, EVERYTHING IS GETTING ON MY NERVES RIGHT NOW.

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And I’m serious when I say it’ll take the TINIEST MOST INSIGNIFICANT MOST STUPID REASON to SET. ME. OFF. OHHHHHHH MY GOD YOU DON’T WANT TO GET ON MY BAD SIDE WHEN I’M LIKE THIIIISS.

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I don’t know what the fark is up with me, okay. TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW.

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PMS. I know, okay. I KNOW. It’s not an excuse DON’TYOUDARETELLMEI’MMAKINGEXCUSESSOHELP MEGODIWILLSTABYOU.

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Like I told someone else tonight.. No, no, I don’t PMS every month or every two months even. I’m not bitchy on a regular basis.

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BUT HOO BOY WHEN I GET THIS BITCHY AHHHH YOU SERIOUSLY DON’T WANT TO CROSS ME.

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I am awake at 1.30AM because I CAN’T SLEEP WHEN MY BLOOD PRESSURE IS THIS HIGH.

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HEE HOO HEE HOO HEEE HOOOO HEEEEEE HOOOO BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE.

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I am not overreacting SHAAADDDAAAAAAPPPP.

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Okay I actually have valid reasons for feeling this way. WHY DO PEOPLE NOT KNOW HOW TO ACT AROUND PMSING GIRLS? WHY? IS IT OUT OF LACK OF EXPERIENCE OR DO YOU ENJOY SEEING THE STEAM HISS OUT OF MY EARS?

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GRUUAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

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And plus, I’ve got chemistry tuition homework for tomorrow morning that I haven’t even touched. So I’m predicting another HORRIBLE AS HELL NIGHT OF SLEEP.

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I HAVEN’T HAD A GOOD NIGHT’S SLEEP IN WEEKS, OKAY. I DON’T KNOW WHY. I THINK I’M GOING MENTAL.

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Yeah. MENTAL.

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Okay in all seriousness yeah. I’m just in a really, really, really bad mood right now. Really bad. Really, really bad. And I wish I could be a bit more rational or a bit more umm.. Sane, for that matter. But I can’t. My girly hormones are overriding all the sensibility and I’m set in WARNING: MAJOR BITCH mode for the next.. Oh god, I hope it’ll end tonight.

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But.. Certain people who I obviously can’t mention here: Keep away. Just. Keep away. I don’t know how you’ll know that I don’t want to talk to you right now.. But just. God. Stay away. It’s nothing personal, it’s just.. I’d rather not deal with all of it when I’m in this mood.

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(No, this isn’t a suicide note. Hahaha, I don’t know why that thought entered my head as I typed out the title to this post.. Morbid, eh? But really, it’s not =P)

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I am seriously, seriously, seriously sorry for:

a) replying to your e-mails EXTREMELY and practically inexcusably late.

b) not getting round to replying at all. (but i will, i swear.)

c) not appearing online on MSN as often as I used to be.

d) being "Away" if I ever am on MSN and hence unable to carry out any good conversations.

e) not replying to your snail mail letters/postcards and/or replying really late.

f) appearing to be ignoring you and/or not interested in keeping touch anymore.

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Seriously loves, I’m busy. I mean, yeah, refer to my previous posts for details on my aforementioned busy-ness. I will get round to them, kay.. Just like. Understand. Heh. =D

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And GOD as if things can’t get any worse, I’ve got a chem tuition test scheduled for the morning of the second day of BGIC. GAHH my daily planner: something I can’t live with, something I can’t live without. I really don’t know how I’m going to worm my way out of this.. I either go to BGIC a little late, or not go to tuition, or sneakily and cleverly get Mr. Rav to reschedule that lesson.

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Speaking of BGIC: Am I assistant chair? Am I a delegate? Am I both? If I’m a delegate, WHAT COUNTRY AND TOPIC? IF I’M ASSISTANT CHAIR, WHAT FORUM? GAHHHHHH WHERE. IS. MY. INFORMATION?!?!??!?!!

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I know. I should e-mail that.. Person I’m supposed to e-mail. I KNOW I KNOW but.. OKAY FINE I’ll do that later when I get round to printing my stats notes. *fume*

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But yeah, this post serves to stick an imaginary "BUSY AND ON HIATUS FROM CERTAIN FUN ASPECTS OF LIFE" post-it on my forehead.

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That being said.. I will however try to get round to the mails this weekend =D Especially with chinese new year and all that. But HAH Yazmyn has tuition with Mr. Rav Monday morning to CATCH UP on the four lessons she missed going to a) belalong and b) kuala lumpur.

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Heehee. You know what though?

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I kinda like being so busy. My life inadvertently sounds more interesting.

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Not that I’m saying my life isn’t interesting in the first place. But let’s not get into that.

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Anywhooo, I’m going to go off now and attempt to tackle some chemistry questions. I’m SERIOUSLY rusty with my chemistry though y’know. Organics, I mean. Because that’s what we’re continuing in tuition.. And all that CH3-CH2-CH2-Cl business (and the fact that I can’t name diagramatic compounds anymore) is making me feel stupid.

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I mean, what’s wrong with benzene hydroxide or hydroxy benzene?

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Phenol. Sure, fine. Phenol.

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(P/S: If you didn’t understand that last bit up there.. YOU NEED TO BRUSH UP ON YOUR A’LEVEL CHEMISTRY TOO =P)

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(P/P/S: Awu. Aku geek. I thought I told everyone that already.)

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(P/P/P/S: Not a nerd or a dweeb, mind you. A geek is very different.)

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(P/P/P/P/S: And if you disagree, then you’re a dork.)

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….

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(P/P/P/P/P/S: I don’t know. Maybe it’s the chronic sleep deprivation. Or an overdose of caffeine. Or.. I could just be going mental. I dunno. *cheesy grin*)